I’m not sure where to start, so I’m just going to type. No one is required to read this, and honestly, I’d probably prefer if you didn’t. I just need an outlet because I’ve been beyond stressed lately and I’m not sure how many times I have to break down before I realize I need to start letting stuff out.

I guess the best place to start would be with what happened tonight. My family had a “family meeting” to discuss my younger sister Irish’s new diagnoses. She has spent the past week in the hospital being tested for multiple syndromes, trying to figure out the source of her stomach pain. While looking for an answer for her pain they came across a heart murmur, which wouldn’t be that big of a deal but along with that, they also found that her aortic valve is growing too rapidly. To solve this issue, they’ve put her on blood pressure medication, in hopes that slowing down the speed of her blood will stop the growth of her aortic valve. If this doesn’t work she will be taking another medication combined with the one she’s on now, in hopes that will work. Assuming the medication doesn’t serve it’s purpose she will need surgery to replace her aortic valve with a synthetic one. While in the hospital she was also diagnosed with Loeys-Dietz syndrome. This is a genetic disorder that I’m assuming she was born with. The syndrome wasn’t founded until 2005 and there aren’t very many people that have been diagnosed. It’s an extremely serious situation and no two patient have been known to have the exact same symptoms. There isn’t a cure currently, and they’re still figuring out symptoms. I found out tonight that there’s no way to tell which way it will go, and that it could be fatal in the future. As of now, we know that she won’t be able to carry children and will have to see a Cardiologist for the rest of her life.

In addition to this, my family decided it would be a good time to mention to my step sister that she needs to find a job within the next two weeks and start paying board, or she will need to find somewhere else to live. That should’ve gone over smoothly, but instead it blew up into a huge ordeal. My father and her have never really gotten along and they both feel the need to always be on the defense with eachother. Needless to say, they ended up screaming at eachother because my father started with her about “rolling her eyes” which resulted in my younger sister Lindsey having a panic attack, and I guess a seizure-type reaction. She was shaking, crying, and just overall freaking out. She’s had these reactions to things in the past but I’ve never personally witnessed one. It scared the shit out of me. I never want to see any of them like that, but knowing what she knows and how she thinks, I think it affected me more than it should have. I tried my best to calm her down but I started getting upset myself.

They’re all so stressed out, and as teenagers there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be loving life and just worrying about normal teenage problems. I wish I could take it all away from them, I really do. Which leads me to my next thought. My sister Kasey came over the other night. She was drunk and ended up having to get a ride home but in the mean time her friend told me some of the things she’s been through the past year. It killed me hearing it. I know I’ve been through some shit and so it shouldn’t surprise me, but I expected her to have an easier lifestyle. I’m not going to go into detail, because I don’t know who will be reading this and it’s no one’s business but I wish she would think higher of herself. She is such a gorgeous girl and I just wish she’d realize that.

That night when I took her home she was crying because a boy had left her for another girl with a big nose. She continued to get more upset because she thought that her crying would keep my mom awake and she was worried because my mom hasn’t been sleeping lately. My mom lives in a bad neighborhood and they don’t have the nicest or easiest lifestyle. She collects welfare, and her and her husband are currently over coming an addiction. It worries me because right now, they are they only people my younger siblings have and if they were to lose them they’d be so lost. I’d be lost. Even though I never talk to my mom, and we don’t have the closest relationship, I dont know what I’d do without her. It’s always been one of my biggest fears to lose my mom. I honestly wish the two of us had a closer relationship but I don’t know how to form that with her. Im jealous of the relationship my sister Kasey and her have. I feel like we’ve never had that. I don’t know.

Lastly, myself. I think I might be depressed or something along those lines. I mean, I have a good time and enjoy life when there’s something worth enjoying going on, so I guess I can’t be that depressed. Im more so just worried all the time, about everything. I got this “hakuna matata” tattoo to remind myself not to stress out so much, but it seems like since I got the tattoo I’ve had more to worry about than prior to getting it. It’s hard, and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ll be showing some kind of weakness by getting upset or asking for someone to lean on. I just want to be able to be there for everyone and I’m never willing to let anyone be there for me. Maybe I’m afraid to, too. If I let someone in, I’m afraid they’ll leave. I’m not sure.